If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
