It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
