I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Randomize
