Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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