life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
