The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
