i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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