i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
