those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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