I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
