We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
