I just pynch a tree in the face
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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