hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
