I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
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