Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
