Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
