I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
