We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
