shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
