im so drunk with asians
where?
always
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
