The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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