I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
