Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
