Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
