when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
