Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
