Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Randomize
