What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
