i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
