there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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