I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
