i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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