I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
