I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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