it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
