i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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