at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
