my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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