cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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