shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Randomize
