Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
