you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
