that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
