I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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