Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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