Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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