My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Couch. On fire.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
