Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
