my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
