Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
They have beer where we have blood.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
